I Cry Everyday
steffani

I Cry Everyday

I cry every day….

People who know me will not be surprised to read this. 

But I honestly cry EVERY DAY. 

I don’t cry out of sadness or anger or upset.  Sure I have as many challenges as anyone else in this life.  I have stresses and frustrations and family members who are ill.  But still, that’s not why I cry.

Every day I cry for a different reason. 

I used to feel ashamed of my tears.  My deep emotions.  I wanted to be less emotional.  I used to work at controlling my emotions and tried hard for years to keep my tears in check. 

Until one day a woman in a workshop who sat along side me took my face in her hands when my eyes filled with tears and said “I wish I could FEEL like you do”.

It hit me, that some people don’t get to FEEL all this. 

And I shifted. 

I felt grateful.

And I cried. 

I then decided to let it all out.  To live loud and proud in my tears.  And to share with people why I cry.  I’m sure I still look over emotional.  It might make people uncomfortable.  But at this point in my life, I don’t care. 

I still cry. 

I cry every day.  And here’s why…

I cry because this life is pure magic.

I cry out of gratitude for every breath.

I cry for beauty.

I cry at art.

I cry when I see moments of kindness.

I cry when I hear beautiful music.

I cry when I sing.

I cry when I reflect on life in the shower.

I cry when I say goodbye to a friend.

I cried eating a blueberry muffin at Starbucks once.  That was really really good. 

I cry at commercials.

I cry watching my kids sleep.

I cry when I travel.  When I fly through the air and look out the window. 

I cry when I walk into a church.

My husband jokes that I cry at mall openings.  I have never cried at a mall opening. 

But I have cried at the opening of the Olympics.  And the closing ceremonies. 

And my sons soccer game yesterday.

Basically I cry when I feel connected.  I cry when I FEEL this life.  When I feel alive. 

Unapologetically I cry.  And I look forward to the moments in my day, those vulnerable, beautiful, tear-filled moments where my heart feels so full I can hardly breath. 

When I sip air in through my nose and my eyes well up with tears.  Only to be sucked back in moments later when I compose myself.  It was a moment of sheer bliss.  A moment of REAL life.  To feel alive.  And grateful.  And connected. 

I’ve never counted how many times I’ve cried in a day.  But I might start now.  And I invite you to start with me.  Can we FEEL alive and connected 2 times, 5 times, 10 times a day?  I’m willing to try.

This is LIFE.  This is really living. 

Cry with me. 

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab
steffani

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab.   

I was working at a golf outing for my corporate job.  I was on the 13th hole, on my 32nd birthday.  I remember thinking “why the hell am I still doing this”.  I got a call half way through the long day in the sun from John and he said he was checking in to rehab. I had 2 immediate thoughts “Thank God!” and “Holy Shit!” 

It hadn’t really sunk in yet.  The total ramifications of my boyfriend of 7 years checking in to rehab for drugs and alcohol.  I just remember thinking “this is something that has to happen”.  And I hung up the phone wishing him well, thinking it was over between us.  I had walked out 2 days earlier after finding pain killers next to his bed.  Again.  After he’d SWORE that he wasn’t using any more. 

A little background,…my Dad was an alcoholic all my life.  So I was DETERMINED not to follow suit and be with someone who was an addict.  Yet I’d been doing exactly that for 7 years.  And somehow now, I was getting out.  Now it was over.  The girl working with me at hole 13 on the golf course was thoroughly entertained by my life stories.  She couldn’t believe what was happening.  And was really  impressed with my composure.  I later went to dinner with my whole family in Greek town.  No one asked about John.  It never came up where he was. 

It started sinking in….he checked into rehab on my birthday.  And even with that thought running through my head constantly things actually got better.  My life started looking up.  First, I let him go.  I realized I didn’t’ want to be with an addict.  And that was my life with John.  I was almost relieved that it was over.  I couldn’t picture a life with someone in recovery.  He was only 28, so that wasn’t even an option.  I called my mom and told her that we had broken up, and that he was in rehab and it was over, again.  She was sad for me but understood and expressed that it would be hard for her.  For HER.  But I got it. 

A week went by and John called me from rehab.  I remember the minute I talked to him feeling like he was BACK.  That the John that I knew and LOVED for so long had returned.  He was charming and interested and silly and sweet and really engaging.  That wasn’t the man I walked out on 1 week ago.  Now he was asking me to come visit him.  What?!  In rehab?!  Why would I do that?!  

I realized why.  Because he really was back.  It was like he came to life again.  The man I knew deep inside was back.  And he was as loveable and compassionate and thoughtful as ever.  

I went to see him and we were back together again instantly.  After only 1 week in rehab.  He told me he was doing it for me, and for the life he could have with me.  I asked one of his counselors if that was ok.  “Can someone get sober for someone else?  I thought you needed to do it for yourself?”  He told me that sometimes being with someone you love raises your rock bottom.  And he told me he thought John would be sober for life.  They don’t say that about 1st timers.  There’s normally only a 30% success rate.  I checked in with my heart.  And I KNEW this was a lifetime decision for him.  See I didn’t want to be with an addict.  But I did want to be with John, the real John, the sober John. 

Now 13 years later, married and with our 2 kids, we celebrate his sobriety anniversary and my birthday together. 

Here’s one thing I know for sure… our worst day now is better than our best day then. It isn’t always easy.  But it’s a lot better than it ever was.  And I am constantly reminded how hard we fought for this life. 

Reflecting on this day 13 years ago makes me even more grateful for every day of our lives together.  We’ve earned this time together.  We’re still constantly striving to be our best selves for each other.  And for our kids who deserve that version of us. IMG_8726

My birthday will forever remind me of Johns commitment to this life we have.  That we wouldn’t have if he didn’t choose it.  And if I didn’t choose him. 

For anyone suffering from an addiction there is hope.  And if you’re with an addict not all stories are as successful as ours.  But it is possible.  I hope you check in with your heart and make the choice that’s right for you. 

Celebrating John today and every day.  Celebrating this life we built together and every day that we get together.  46 years around the sun feels really good. 

Keys to a 10 year strong relationship
steffani

Keys to a 10 year strong relationship

10 years ago on July 16th I got married.

I remember the day I met John on my front steps. I was 15 and he was 11. He was really cute and really charming. It was my block party.  And I was smitten.  But there was one hurdle.  He was in 5th grade and I was a Sophomore in High School.  Yea.  4 years is a BIG age gap back then.

He was tall for his age so that was good and he hung out with an older crowd.  Within 10 minutes of meeting he told me he liked me. He said things like “you’re it for me”. And when I told him he was too young he said “will you wait for me?”

As if he knew something that I didn’t.

I fell for him….. His light blue eyes. His big smile. His thick messy hair. And most of all I fell for the way he made me feel. No Sophomores made me feel like this.

It didn’t last back then.  Grade School and High School were too different.  But I’d run into him here and there and he would always give me a really charming smile and his eyes would draw me back in.

10 years later we met again. And he asked me out. Actually he asked me if I’d been waiting and if I was ready for him. 🙂 I was….

10 years after that, to the day, we got married.  In a candle lit ceremony at midnight with all of our friends and family we finally said “I do”.

Now 30 years later from that summer on my front porch, we celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary.

Although it sounds like an epic love story, it hasn’t always been easy. Actually it’s rarely been easy.

The growing pains you experience moving through 2 decades together can be intense. We moved through our 20’s together, and partying and breakups and many jobs. We’ve lost loved ones and John got sober. We moved through marriage and 2 kids and mortgages and more jobs.

It honestly feels like we’ve been through it all. We’re very different people. People would describe us as exact opposites.  But somehow we’ve stayed together. Even when he was drinking and using drugs. I saw the real John inside of him. Even when I lost all faith in us, he still saw the hope in me.

20 years later I wish I could say we have it down. We know how to maneuver this relationship but I don’t think we do. It’s still work. Issues still come up that we don’t anticipate. We still fight. We still hurt each other.

And yet we always, always come together in the end. And he always, always surprises me.

Bottom line is I never think about my life without him. Every relationship is a choice. And I chose John.

When I made that choice to love him unconditionally that was when we really got married. That’s when we really committed until death do us part.

Most of the women who I coach are struggling in their relationships. I don’t have any less conflict or issues than any other married women. I just choose not to struggle. 

I choose to accept the things I cannot change. 

I choose to take 100% responsibility for my happiness. 

I choose to love him unconditionally and through it all. 

And that has been the key to our 20 year relationship.

Now my goal is to continue to grow and see just how good we can make this relationship.

I refuse to settle for an average relationship.

For our 10 year/20 year anniversary we’re committing to a few things.

Weekly date nights, without fail. And quarterly overnights without the kids. We’re recommitting to respect, appreciation and daily gratitude.

It will still take work and new habits but if I know one thing I know it will be worth it.

What can you do to recommit to your relationship?  😊😍

Let me know and we can hold each other accountable.

Celebrating love today!

Steffani

PS I have some fun new things on the horizon…. 🙂 Keep a look out.