Keys to a Strong Relationship
steffani

Keys to a Strong Relationship

Fourteen years ago on July 16th, I got married.  I remember the day I met John on my front steps. I was 15 and he was 11. He was really cute and really charming. It was my block party and I was smitten. But there was one hurdle. He was in 5th grade and I was a Sophomore in High School. Yea. Four years is a BIG age gap back at that age. He was tall for his age so that was good and he hung out with an older crowd. Within 10 minutes of meeting he told me he liked me. He said things like “you’re it for me”. When I told him he was too young he said,  “Will you wait for me?” As if he knew something that I didn’t.

I fell for him….. his light blue eyes, big smile, and thick messy hair. And most of all I fell for the way he made me feel. No Sophomores made me feel like this.  It didn’t last back then. Grade School and High School were too different. But I’d run into him here and there and he would always give me a really charming smile and his eyes would draw me back in.

Ten years later we met again and he asked me out. Actually, he asked me if I’d been waiting for him and if I was ready for him. I was. 

Ten years after that, to the day, we got married. In a candlelit ceremony at midnight with all of our friends and family, we finally said: “I do”.

Now 34 years later from that summer on my front porch, we celebrate our 14 year wedding anniversary.  Although it sounds like an epic love story, it hasn’t always been easy. Actually, it’s rarely been easy.

The growing pains you experience moving through two decades together can be intense. We moved through our 20’s together, and partying and breakups and many jobs. We’ve lost loved ones and John got sober. We moved through marriage and 2 kids and mortgages and more jobs.

It honestly feels like we’ve been through it all. We’re very different people. People would describe us as exact opposites but somehow we’ve stayed together even when he was drinking and using drugs. I saw the real John inside of him. Even when I lost all faith in us, he still saw the hope in me.

Twenty-four years later I wish I could say we have it down, that we know how to maneuver this relationship but I don’t think we do. It’s still work. Issues still come up that we don’t anticipate. We still fight. We still hurt each other. And yet we always, always come together in the end. And he always, always surprises me.

The bottom line is I never think about my life without him. Every relationship is a choice. And I chose John.

When I made that choice to love him unconditionally that was when we really got married. That’s when we really committed until death do us part.

Most of the women who I coach are struggling in their relationships. I don’t have any less conflict or issues than any other married woman.

👉 I just choose not to struggle.

👉 I choose to accept the things I cannot change.

👉 I choose to take 100% responsibility for my happiness.

👉 I choose to love him unconditionally and through it all.


And that has been the key to our 24-year relationship. Now my goal is to continue to grow and see just how good we can make this relationship.  I refuse to settle for an average relationship.

For our 14 year/24 year anniversary we’re committing to a few things.

💘 Weekly date nights, without fail and quarterly overnights without the kids.

💘 We’re recommitting to respect, appreciation, and daily gratitude.

 

It will still take work and new habits but if one thing I know is it will be worth it. What can you do to recommit to your relationship? Let me know and we can hold each other accountable.

Celebrating love today! 💘💘

 

How To Prepare Your Kids While You’re Away (Tips for Overcoming Mom Guilt)
steffani

How To Prepare Your Kids While You’re Away (Tips for Overcoming Mom Guilt)

I’m an advocate of Moms traveling solo. I travel for work often. Next week I’m leaving for Pula, Croatia to speak at Mindvalley University.  A dream I 

launched 2 years ago that is now coming true. This year I’m bringing my son. It will be his first trip overseas and our first trip just the 2 of us.  I know many Moms struggle with leaving their kids. I have found a WONDERFUL way to prepare the kids, and our whole family whenever I leave. (Tips on Mommy guilt coming later…)

Here are some of the tools I’ve used that have made traveling a LOT easier.

First and foremost spend LOTS of one on one time with them before you leave. Need I say more?  If you’re a parent you get it.

I buy a dollar store gift for every day I’m gone.  It helps them get excited to get out of bed and my husband has really easy mornings with them when they have this to look forward to and keep them busy.  They usually contain simple games, or an easy dot to dot coloring book or painting project.  They love them.  Quick warning…husbands don’t like Silly String 🙂

In a jar with a label, I leave 1 kiss for each kid for each day that I’m away.  This way when there are only a few left they know I’ll be home soon.  And they know I’m thinking of them and this is my “KISS”.

I can’t leave without a detailed spreadsheet for everyone who will be helping out.  It includes their daily schedule, their morning, afterschool and evening routines.  Everyone and anyone’s phone numbers, including friends parents for play dates.  All of their activities are on there.  Who’s picking up who when.  AND their logins for certain apps or websites they might use.  Like ABC Mouse or Lexia Core.

spreadsheet

I can’t forget about my first love. 🙂  I leave daily cards or notes for my husband so he knows how grateful I am for him while he’s doing extra duties around the house and with the kids.  I’ve left little notes in our shower or bathroom and full handwritten cards and letters.  Sometimes I ask the kids to give them to him once I’m gone in a nice box so they have that to look forward to the day I leave.

I always ask my kids to give me one of their “lovies” or stuffed animals while I travel.  So I can take photos of where I am and show them what I’m up to.  They know that I snuggle these lovies at night and think about them all the time.  These lovies have more fun then the average person.  🙂  One time they were dancing on stage in front of hundreds of people.  The kids LOVED it.

 

Once I started doing all of this when I went out of town it was a LOT easier to leave.  My kids don’t whine about it.  They actually look forward to it. 🙂

I always return with a present or a treat.  And even if they miss me while I’m gone they have a lot of reinforcement that I’m thinking of them and that I’ll be back soon.

Will my kids be ok while I’m away?

The answer is HELL YES they will.

Now for those Moms who are longing to travel but still feel their kids will not be ok without them.  I can tell you from experience it has HELPED my kids.  They realize that they don’t need me for everything. They’re more self-reliant when I’m gone.  I feel it’s ok for kids to miss someone.  It doesn’t break them like we fear.  They’re stronger than we know.  A few days away is just a blip on the radar in their long and beautiful lives.  It’s important for me to teach my kids how to handle challenging situations. How to get by and manage the day without me over their shoulder.  And it teaches them how to have reverence for something, to be grateful when something returns, with gifts. 🙂  When I travel alone it helps them learn all of that.   It has really enhanced our lives.   I hope this enhances yours.

Loving this life and travel,

Steffani

The Problem With Your Marriage
steffani

The Problem With Your Marriage

I know you already have an amazing life.  I know you’re “happy” most of the time. And that you’re grateful, really grateful for your kids and your life and all you’ve created, so far.  

I also know that you still struggle in your marriage. You feel disconnected at times.  You bicker and fight too much. And you definitely don’t have sex as often as you used to.   

How do I know?  Because I’ve been there.  And because 8 out of 10 women who I coach experience this too.

Your relationship might look okay on the outside.  People think you’re an awesome couple. It might be “OK”, even good, but its not amazing.  You might still love each other, and respect each other but you don’t feel fully connected and as IN LOVE as you want to be.  And basically, even though you have a lot to be grateful for your relationship is not something you’re crazy proud of, not at this point in your life.  

Here’s the problem….

You’re not putting enough energy, attention and focus into your relationship.

You know it.  I know it. And your husband knows it too.  

Sure we can talk about how he’s not romantic anymore and how he should plan date nights and how he comes home after work and just shuts down and watches TV or scrolls through social media.  That’s all real. I get it. But it’s also out of our control. We can’t change anyone else. (Believe me…I’ve tried). Especially our spouses.

What we CAN do is put energy, attention and focus on what we DO want.  On the connection. On the romance. On the love, the kindness, the support, the adoration, whatever it is, we WANT. We can focus on THAT.  And when we do, we create more of it.

Here’s how…..  

We need to build a stronger foundation.  

See after two people have been together a long time we stop meeting each other’s needs.  It’s not intentional. It’s just what happens. We stop showing up for them intimately, sexually, sensually and playfully.  Like we used to. And they stop showing up for us emotionally. Again, we can’t change them. What we CAN do is change our behavior.  We can start showing up, really showing up, giving them their love language daily. (Please tell me you know what your love language is and what his love language is… if not, start there) And filling their bucket with what they need.  That’s how you establish a stronger foundation. And from that strong solid foundation, you can keep building.

Most women come to my programs thinking that they just need to share their frustrations with their husband.  They want to tell him all the ways he is not meeting their needs. And that will change things.

Nope.  That will backfire.  Trust me. Been there.  Done that.

When we work on the foundation.  The daily connection. Giving them their love language.  DAILY. Setting up weekly date nights. Hosting weekly marriage meetings.  Lining up quarterly overnights. (Yes even those) All of that leads to the romance, the intimacy, the love and adoration that you’re longing for.  

It starts with US.  And that’s ok. We were made for this.  Relationships define us. We often feel more genuinely fulfilled when our relationships are flourishing.  

Men are different. They’re from Mars and we’re from Venus. They define their success through their success.  Usually in their jobs and through their financial freedom. But not us. Sure we might like both. And we can have both.  But if there was ONE thing we defined our life by, it would be our intimate relationships. When we do that right. We know we’ve won at life.  

So let’s make them a priority.  Let’s take this relationship, this marriage, and make it the best relationship possible.  Let’s not settle for good, let’s make it GREAT and then ExTRAORDINARY.

Who’s with me?  Are you ready for MORE?

 If you want to discover more ways to up-level your life and relationship, check out this FREE download with lots of tips and tools how you can make powerful positive changes.  It’s called The 5 Worst Strategies High Achieving Women Implement While Trying To Up-Level Their Lives. I won’t just share what doesn’t work (and I promise you’ll relate, you’re probably trying all of them right now) But I’ll also share what DOES work.  And give you suggestions you can use TODAY to move your life forward.

Download the FREE pdf here.

Our relationships are precious.  Let’s treat them that way. And take our whole lives up a notch.  

Loving what is,
Steffani