I Cry Everyday
steffani

I Cry Everyday

I cry every day….

People who know me will not be surprised to read this. 

But I honestly cry EVERY DAY. 

I don’t cry out of sadness or anger or upset.  Sure I have as many challenges as anyone else in this life.  I have stresses and frustrations and family members who are ill.  But still, that’s not why I cry.

Every day I cry for a different reason. 

I used to feel ashamed of my tears.  My deep emotions.  I wanted to be less emotional.  I used to work at controlling my emotions and tried hard for years to keep my tears in check. 

Until one day a woman in a workshop who sat along side me took my face in her hands when my eyes filled with tears and said “I wish I could FEEL like you do”.

It hit me, that some people don’t get to FEEL all this. 

And I shifted. 

I felt grateful.

And I cried. 

I then decided to let it all out.  To live loud and proud in my tears.  And to share with people why I cry.  I’m sure I still look over emotional.  It might make people uncomfortable.  But at this point in my life, I don’t care. 

I still cry. 

I cry every day.  And here’s why…

I cry because this life is pure magic.

I cry out of gratitude for every breath.

I cry for beauty.

I cry at art.

I cry when I see moments of kindness.

I cry when I hear beautiful music.

I cry when I sing.

I cry when I reflect on life in the shower.

I cry when I say goodbye to a friend.

I cried eating a blueberry muffin at Starbucks once.  That was really really good. 

I cry at commercials.

I cry watching my kids sleep.

I cry when I travel.  When I fly through the air and look out the window. 

I cry when I walk into a church.

My husband jokes that I cry at mall openings.  I have never cried at a mall opening. 

But I have cried at the opening of the Olympics.  And the closing ceremonies. 

And my sons soccer game yesterday.

Basically I cry when I feel connected.  I cry when I FEEL this life.  When I feel alive. 

Unapologetically I cry.  And I look forward to the moments in my day, those vulnerable, beautiful, tear-filled moments where my heart feels so full I can hardly breath. 

When I sip air in through my nose and my eyes well up with tears.  Only to be sucked back in moments later when I compose myself.  It was a moment of sheer bliss.  A moment of REAL life.  To feel alive.  And grateful.  And connected. 

I’ve never counted how many times I’ve cried in a day.  But I might start now.  And I invite you to start with me.  Can we FEEL alive and connected 2 times, 5 times, 10 times a day?  I’m willing to try.

This is LIFE.  This is really living. 

Cry with me. 

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab
steffani

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab

13 years ago, today, on my birthday my boyfriend checked in to rehab.   

I was working at a golf outing for my corporate job.  I was on the 13th hole, on my 32nd birthday.  I remember thinking “why the hell am I still doing this”.  I got a call half way through the long day in the sun from John and he said he was checking in to rehab. I had 2 immediate thoughts “Thank God!” and “Holy Shit!” 

It hadn’t really sunk in yet.  The total ramifications of my boyfriend of 7 years checking in to rehab for drugs and alcohol.  I just remember thinking “this is something that has to happen”.  And I hung up the phone wishing him well, thinking it was over between us.  I had walked out 2 days earlier after finding pain killers next to his bed.  Again.  After he’d SWORE that he wasn’t using any more. 

A little background,…my Dad was an alcoholic all my life.  So I was DETERMINED not to follow suit and be with someone who was an addict.  Yet I’d been doing exactly that for 7 years.  And somehow now, I was getting out.  Now it was over.  The girl working with me at hole 13 on the golf course was thoroughly entertained by my life stories.  She couldn’t believe what was happening.  And was really  impressed with my composure.  I later went to dinner with my whole family in Greek town.  No one asked about John.  It never came up where he was. 

It started sinking in….he checked into rehab on my birthday.  And even with that thought running through my head constantly things actually got better.  My life started looking up.  First, I let him go.  I realized I didn’t’ want to be with an addict.  And that was my life with John.  I was almost relieved that it was over.  I couldn’t picture a life with someone in recovery.  He was only 28, so that wasn’t even an option.  I called my mom and told her that we had broken up, and that he was in rehab and it was over, again.  She was sad for me but understood and expressed that it would be hard for her.  For HER.  But I got it. 

A week went by and John called me from rehab.  I remember the minute I talked to him feeling like he was BACK.  That the John that I knew and LOVED for so long had returned.  He was charming and interested and silly and sweet and really engaging.  That wasn’t the man I walked out on 1 week ago.  Now he was asking me to come visit him.  What?!  In rehab?!  Why would I do that?!  

I realized why.  Because he really was back.  It was like he came to life again.  The man I knew deep inside was back.  And he was as loveable and compassionate and thoughtful as ever.  

I went to see him and we were back together again instantly.  After only 1 week in rehab.  He told me he was doing it for me, and for the life he could have with me.  I asked one of his counselors if that was ok.  “Can someone get sober for someone else?  I thought you needed to do it for yourself?”  He told me that sometimes being with someone you love raises your rock bottom.  And he told me he thought John would be sober for life.  They don’t say that about 1st timers.  There’s normally only a 30% success rate.  I checked in with my heart.  And I KNEW this was a lifetime decision for him.  See I didn’t want to be with an addict.  But I did want to be with John, the real John, the sober John. 

Now 13 years later, married and with our 2 kids, we celebrate his sobriety anniversary and my birthday together. 

Here’s one thing I know for sure… our worst day now is better than our best day then. It isn’t always easy.  But it’s a lot better than it ever was.  And I am constantly reminded how hard we fought for this life. 

Reflecting on this day 13 years ago makes me even more grateful for every day of our lives together.  We’ve earned this time together.  We’re still constantly striving to be our best selves for each other.  And for our kids who deserve that version of us. IMG_8726

My birthday will forever remind me of Johns commitment to this life we have.  That we wouldn’t have if he didn’t choose it.  And if I didn’t choose him. 

For anyone suffering from an addiction there is hope.  And if you’re with an addict not all stories are as successful as ours.  But it is possible.  I hope you check in with your heart and make the choice that’s right for you. 

Celebrating John today and every day.  Celebrating this life we built together and every day that we get together.  46 years around the sun feels really good. 

5 Things Every Marriage Needs To THRIVE
steffani

5 Things Every Marriage Needs To THRIVE

I’m a happiness coach. Most of my clients are women who are struggling in their relationships. They’re unhappy, and for the most part, they blame their husbands. “He doesn’t listen to me.” “He’s self centered.” “He has a temper.” “We don’t get along.” “He doesn’t appreciate all I do.”

8 out of 10 women I coach would describe their husbands that way or similar. As I see it, it’s our job to safe guard our own happiness. Who someone else is and even what they do to you, or how they treat you, has no effect on your happiness unless you let it.

Women CAN control their realities. We CAN shift our thoughts. We CAN create more inner peace and more daily happiness.

So how can we do this while in a partnership?

In my coaching and in my own relationship I’ve found there are 5 Things Every Marriage Needs to Thrive.

Everyone deserves an extraordinary relationship.  In fact, I think it’s the #1 thing that contributes to a healthy and very HAPPY life.  When our relationship is thriving so are our kids.  We’re better parents.  When our relationship is thriving we think more clearly, we better employees or entrepreneurs.  When our relationship is thriving we create from a more powerful space, we can achieve more then we ever dreamed possible.

Here are the 5 things I’ve found every marriage needs to thrive:

#1. Respect.

Every marriage needs respect. Men need to feel respected. When a man feels respected he’s happier and more fulfilled. When he’s happier and more fulfilled he will cherish his wife. Simple as that. If you want to be cherished respect your man. Ask him how you can treat him with more respect. I’m SURE he’ll answer you.

#2. Time together.

No matter how busy your schedule, every marriage needs quality time. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary. Sometimes it feels like a chore. And that’s okay. That scheduled one on one time will always lead to a deeper connection, things come up that you’ve been meaning to talk about, you get updates on each others lives. You might even share a laugh. These things don’t happen over text or across town. Spend time together.

#3. Shared interests.

Outside of the kids and your home, every marriage needs some shared interests. Can you workout together? Cook together? Take walks? Play golf? Watch a TV series, that you both enjoy? You might have very little in common. But I’m sure you can still come up with some common interests. Shared interests = more connection. Keep it up.

#4. Sex!

Need I say more? We’re human beings. And men particularly need to have sex. Can you imagine how emasculating it must feel to get rejected by your wife? Many of my clients are withholding sex from their husbands for one or more reasons, usually revolving around not feeling loved or cherished. How can a man love or cherish someone who’s emasculating them and doesn’t respect one of their basic needs? Sex is another deep connector. When you take time every week for a sexy at home “date night”, you’ll both be kinder, softer, sweeter to each other. It’s always worth it and can be a lot of fun. When you get out of your own head and let go of your resentments you might actually look forward to having sex with your husband. Which brings me to #5.

#5. Forgiveness.

Every marriage needs forgiveness. Resentment, upset, frustration can’t exist in the same space as forgiveness. Forgiveness is the expressway to freedom. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your husband for all his shortcomings, you take a big leap towards more inner peace and more daily happiness. When we forgive we find love and gratitude for our partner and in that space a marriage can thrive.

What can you do to invest in your relationship?  How can you take responsibility for your own happiness and create more fun and connection with your partner?  Head over to my  Facebook page and tell me what you can commit to.  Let’s all move our relationships forward in a powerful way this year.