Dealing with loss…
steffani

Dealing with loss…

Jan 19th, 1982 was the worst day of my life. It will probably always be.

My sister who was 18 at the time died in a car accident.

Looking back on that day I realized her death rocked our family to the core.  It tore up our foundation.  We didn’t know how to operate without her in our lives.  The grief was so heavy and dark, I didn’t know if we would ever survive it.

I was 11 years old when she died, my young innocent heart was crushed.  It’s amazing how 1 day can change your life forever.  I prayed so hard when she got hurt.  I promised God EVERYTHING if he left my sister here.  I remember pleading with him and begging him to help her, to help us and to keep her here.  When she died I felt cheated. I felt robbed. And I was mad.

I remember crying so hard every night that I could feel my tears soak through the other side of the pillow.

My parents were divorced, my oldest sister was dead. I felt lost and invisible.  My family was shattered.  Mom was suffering, literally drowning in grief.  What else could she do? A single mom dealing with the sudden loss of her oldest child.  Now with kids of my own, I can only imagine.

It was a dark night of the soul for our family.  I can’t remember how long it took us to breath again.  But we did.  We did breath again.  We even danced.

When you lose a sibling.  Your life is forever changed.  In the obvious negative ways.  A lot of heartache.  Learning about loss so young.  Longing and aching for that life with your sibling back.  Rebelling because life was unfair and God didn’t do as you asked and spare your sister.

But it’s also forever changed in positive ways.  You feel love from friends and family and even strangers that you’ve never felt before.  That you never imagined possible.  People come out of the woodwork to help you and your family overcome this grief.  They feel closer to you because you’re so raw and vulnerable.  New friendships emerge.  You get to experience things you may never have experienced.  You can forever help other people with loss and heartbreak because you dealt with it first hand.

And most importantly you learn to keep your family close.  It can bring you closer together instead of shattering your foundation.

Every Jan 19th we get together, to celebrate the family that’s still here, and to celebrate Traci and the time we had with her.

It’s never an easy day.  But it does help me reflect on how we got through our grief.

If you’re going through a dark night of the soul, keep going.   You will breath again.

Here’s a few tips I feel helped me when going through that tunnel.

#1. Feel all your feelings.

Treat them as gently as possible.  Feel them. Honor that feeling.  And then move on.  Try and climb up the emotional guidance scale.  Don’t try to feel ‘HAPPY’ instantly, just try to feel 1 degree better.

#2. Focus on what you DO want.

Think of the end result.  Think of your life in a few years and play it out in a positive way.  Think of what would be IDEAL.  The peace, the comfort, the love and support. Even the normalcy back again.  Think about THAT and let it pull you there.

#3. Give it away to a higher power.

My favorite prayer.  “Dear God, I release this situation to you, and I know it won’t result in pain, I give it away for you to create the greatest good for everyone involved”. Letting a higher power take over can feel really good.  Sometimes we forget there’s more help out there than we’re tapping into.

#4. Do what makes you feel GOOD.

It’s more important than ever to feel good.  A walk on the beach.  That coffee you love.  Laughing with a friend.  Getting a mani pedi.  Putting on your favorite song. DANCING.  Yes dancing.  Do things that make you feel good.  It will help pull you forward.  It’s sometimes the last thing you want to do but it’s the most important. Remember no amount of pain and suffering changes the past.  So feel GOOD as much as possible.  And the other side of the tunnel will be here before you know it.

And lastly, if you need any support through your loss I’m here for you.

You’re not alone. You will get through this. It does get easier.

Focusing on the good,
Steffani

Founder and Happiness Coach at www.myhappilife.com
steffani@myhappilife.com

How I “Found” God at an Afterparty
steffani

How I “Found” God at an Afterparty

I was only 11 years old when my sister died. She was 18 at the time. It was sudden, devastating and life shattering when a drunk driving accident took her life. I remember it like it was yesterday. Only it was over 30 years ago. I remember the moment my mom answered the phone in the middle of the night and told us Traci was in an accident. I remember at that time praying to “God” that she was okay and that I couldn’t go back to sleep. I felt sick to my stomach, but didn’t know why.

I remember going into her hospital room and her head was bald. I wasn’t expecting it to be so bad. I remember feeling like there were too many people in the room although there were only a few of us in there. It felt crowded whenever I went in. I now realize that should have been clue number one that she was transitioning.

And then I remember going home that night and praying hard. I remember telling God that he needed to leave my sister here with us. That we needed her. I begged and pleaded. Bargained with him. I told him I would do anything he asked. I would listen at school. I would never curse. I would be nice to my brother and my sisters. And to the kids next door who I had cursed at. I would be a devout Protestant, or whatever we were (I didn’t really know at the time). And then… I threatened him. I said out loud, “Show me that you exist! Leave my sister here! Let her live or else!” She died the next morning.

As you can guess I was pretty angry. This supposedly all powerful being denied my one request. I did everything I could and he or she could not help me. My conclusion… God doesn’t exist. There is no higher power. Nothing happens after we die. This is it. And I went on to live my life that way for the next 10 years. Its pretty convenient to be an atheist when you’re a teenager. I had NO guilt. I felt no remorse for anything I did. Mind you, I wasn’t a really bad kid at all, but I got into plenty of trouble. I thought my friends who were religious were just weak. To me, religion = weakness and naivety. I KNEW there was nothing bigger then us. I asked for something, I begged for something and I didn’t get it. The proof is in the outcome.

When I was away at college, I started to recognize that my thoughts could create. When I focused on something, I could create it. Good or bad, happy or sad, I could create it. I still didn’t think this was God’s work, I just thought it was something different. I realized the more I focused on something, the quicker it would come. A part in a play, a boyfriend, an A in class, a new friend, anything. When I focused on it I created it. I remember specifically having a hard time with a teacher, and the more I thought about the issue the worse it became. So I tested it. I pictured a better experience with this teacher. I focused on an improved relationship, and much to my surprise it got better.

Hmmmmm. What was happening? Was this God? Was he paying me back for the pain and suffering he caused me? Maybe I was due some good times. So I started asking for more good times, and I got them. I started focusing on everything I wanted, not what I didn’t want and I got it. There’s really nothing that I’ve wanted that I didn’t get eventually. So, this was new territory to explore this whole “thoughts create” business. I wanted to know if it was God or not.

I quickly dove into some books: The Tao of Pooh, Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Fountain Head, The Alchemist. I literally read all of those books in one week. Then, at an afterparty at a Pike house, I found Conversations With God. I hesitated to read it at first because it had the word “God” in it. “Ugh,” I thought, “if this is at all religious I’m tearing it up.” It was quite the opposite.

What Neale Donald Walsch wrote in that book spoke to my soul. Every word I read rang true to me. Everything inside of me said, “Yes, that’s right, that’s how it is”. God is not something outside of us; it IS US. We’re not separate from some omnipotent being who needs us to do something in order for him to be happy. We are the omnipotent. God doesn’t create the good or bad things in our lives. WE create, through our thoughts words and actions. I realized when I had these revelations that God didn’t take my sister from us. We all had an agreement to experience this life exactly as we were experiencing it. How lucky were we that she spent 18 years with us. Could we celebrate the 18 years instead of mourn for the time we didn’t have with her? These were some big revelations for a 21 year old. Even now at 44 I look back and reflect on how profound it was for me to accept my sister’s death and God’s roll in it all and feel so good about it. Good is a bad word to use in that situation but I do feel good. Not only do I feel good, I feel grateful.

What if we all accepted our lives exactly as they are, we wanted nothing to be different at all, we reveled in it, rejoiced in it, and we were grateful for it every day and in every way? What kind of world would this be? Every year on January 19th I reread Conversations With God or one of his many other books to honor my sister and to remind me of my 10 years as an atheist. It was a fun 10 years, but oh wow, are these years a lot better.