WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES
steffani

WHAT TO DO WHEN SOMEONE DIES

My sister in law passed away yesterday.

She was sick for a LONG time. And she wasn’t a part of our everyday lives due to her choices in this lifetime. But it’s never easy. You always feel a loss no matter the circumstances. She was only 48 years old. What a tragedy. A life ending way too soon.

I’m no stranger to death. None of us are. I’ve lost a sister too.

I’ve done a LOT of work on my own grief. Learning at a young age how to deal with loss is a blessing when you get older.

When. You. Get. Older.

And there’s another benefit. You can help others through it.

Here are some things that came to me yesterday.

#1. Lean in
Sometimes it’s hard to go all in and help when someone dies. I realized recently that I fall back into and feel all the loss in my life when someone else loses someone. At first I want to pull away. I want to say ‘I’m sorry’ and be busy and send a card and move on. I don’t want to be pulled back into that pain. But I realized that pulling away only delays our own healing. And doesn’t help them at all. So now…I lean in. I FEEL it. I cry. I grieve. I tell them how awful it feels and that I know it. I go all in.

#2. Just show up
A lot of people offer to help. “Let me know what I can do”. But when you’re in it. You don’t even know what you need. JUST SHOW UP. Sure send dinners. Drop off cards. Bring food. Give them tickets to a hockey game. Whatever comes to you. And also, maybe more importantly, text them and tell them you’re there. Not just emotionally there but physically there. “I’m at the park down the street, I’d love to take a walk if you’re free. Text me back if you’re available.” “I have a sitter and a reservation at our favorite restaurant. Show up if you can.” “I’m on your front porch if you need a hug”. That type of showing up. Make offers to drive the kids. To take them out. To go on trips. To distract them with the beauty of life. And SHOW UP. It helps. I promise.

#3. Help them be happy
After my sister died people were awkward with me for a LONG time. They wouldn’t talk about her. It was weird to laugh. It felt like the joy was sucked out of life. Like it wasn’t allowed for a while. Laughter and joy can be a fast track back to the normalcy that we’re longing for. Let them laugh. Help them to find that happiness again. What lights them up inside? What do they love? Do that. Don’t be afraid to let joy seep in. Seek it out for them. No amount of sadness will change the situation. You can still encourage them to feel the grief while also share some happiness and laughter.

#4. Be normal
Don’t tread lightly around everything. There’s too much “are you ok?” conversation and that just sets things back. Be YOU. And let them be them. When you can help them get back to a sense of normal without always bringing the heaviness back in they will feel safe with you. And that’s when they’ll FEEL and that’s when they’ll heal. So…Dance. Vent. Eat ice cream. Complain about the weather. Whatever it is you do regularly, do it X 1000. It’s needed now more than ever.

This life is so precious. Sometimes in deep grief we want to give up. But really we have found a new version of ourselves. Anyone who’s greiveing need us now more than ever. When we can really show up, it can deepen our relationship and create a lifelong connection. Besides, who knows when you’ll need them to return the favor? Life is precious. Be there for it.

We’ll miss you Deirdre. You did your best with the hand you were dealt. And we all loved you a lot! RIP.

A Guide To Happiness
steffani

A Guide To Happiness

Happiness. It can be a loaded word for some…

For most of my life, that word seemed just out of reach.

When you’re growing up in a Midwest middle income household.  With 3 older sisters and one younger brother, you basically only wear hand me downs for your entire childhood.  That does not equate to happiness to a pre-teen.  That usually means misery.  Add to that an alcoholic father and losing your sister in a car accident when you’re 11 years old and happiness is like a red balloon that you let go of in your yard.  Never to be seen again.

When I turned 18—the same age my sister was when she died—I realized I had to fight for my own happiness. No one was coming to save me. This was an internal job. It started with me.

My journey to happiness began with a steep but steady climb. True happiness, as it turns out, doesn’t happen overnight.

I took on this mission like a J. O. B. Diving headfirst into the world of personal development, I read every book from Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance to Power Vs Force. I studied every guru out there: Pema Chodron, Wayne Dyer, Neale Donald Walsh, Eckhart Tolle, Oprah. (Oh wow, did I watch a lot of Oprah.)

The climb was long and hard at times, but I found my way to the top of the mountain and even started downhill. (The view, the trees, the easy road ahead! I’d done it!)

Then at 35, I got married to the man of my dreams. Brand.  New.  Mountain.  At 38, I had Jack. He was seven weeks early. And then he cried for six straight months. Zoe came along at 40. And I realized I was only at base camp. There in front of me stood Mt. Everest.

I had to start climbing again…

So, that’s exactly what I did, and what I do. Every single day.

I climb for my kids.

So they don’t have a mom who acts all happy on Facebook but yells at them every night.
I climb for my husband.

So he’s not married to a woman who gets resentful when he works late and punishes him by withholding sex.
I climb for my siblings.

Because they already lost one sibling and don’t deserve to lose another—to anger, sorrow, frustration or stress.
I climb for other moms.

Moms who know deep down that they deserve more and desperately want to go to the edge but are afraid to even venture out of their tents.
The journey isn’t easy. It’s long, hard and treacherous at times. But one thing I know for sure is that we can’t climb alone. We need a team. We need a whole village of sisters to help us up this mountain.

We need Oprah and Deepak and wine. (So. Much. Wine.)

Together, we can uncover what true happiness looks like. Hell, we can even design our own path to get there. We don’t need a map. We need a sisterhood. We need some accountability. We need the right tools, support and some dark chocolate. Then we can master this mountain together, with the right mindset and the right women. That’s the tribe I’m building, with every blog I create.

Because we need to share our wins. We need to own our happiness. We need to find as much joy along this journey as humanly possible. We need to share more of what we DO want. And put some energy, attention and focus on the GOOD in our lives. No more ranting about the rain or venting about our negative spouses. We need to blow up our own damn red balloons and fill our entire lives—our houses, our cars, our minds—with happiness.

We need to take each others’ hands, get to the top of the mountain and shout down over the tiny rooftops: We love our lives!

So, I’m asking you to climb. To climb for you, to climb with me, to climb for your kids, for your relationship, for the happiness that you know you deserve.

Who’s with me?

We start now.

Happi Mom Squad Fast Track – hms2.myhappilife.com

You are not alone… I know how you feel.
steffani

You are not alone… I know how you feel.

Recently I felt overwhelmed.  I had too much on my plate for one women to handle.  I didn’t want to get out of bed and face my day and all the challenges that we’re headed my way. There was a mountain to climb and I just wasn’t up for the task.  

Have you ever felt overwhelmed?  

You are not alone.   

I had the desire to feel better.  I have so much to be grateful for.  But it was hard to get back up.  I was frustrated.  I was impatient with my kids.  I was snapping at my husband. I wasn’t making my health a priority.  I couldn’t get on top of it all.  

Have you ever felt like you can’t control your reactions?  

You are not alone. 

I have incredible people in my life.  I’ve fallen down before, and always picked myself back up.  But when I’m in the middle of the storm it’s hard to see my way out.  I worry more.  My negative thoughts get the best of me.  And it continues to spiral out of control.  

Have you ever felt like life is harder than it should be?  

You are not alone.  

I’m happy to say I did pick myself back up.  It took a new plan, some accountability, and a nudge from a friend to start back up that mountain.  I knew it was possible.  I just couldn’t see where to start.  Luckily this time it didn’t last long.  It was only a matter of days not weeks or months.  But the funk still felt unbearable.  I’ve been working on my STATE, my STORY and my STRATEGIES for living a happy life for a LONG time.  It seems like lifetimes.  And it still happens.    

If that happens to you I want you to know…

YOU ARE NOT ALONE.   

If you ever need help or support picking yourself up, I’m here for you.  I’m committing to my monthly (at least) blogs again.  Because that’s one way I can hold myself accountable to BE who I want to be.  Its important to me to live my truth.  To show up genuinely and authentically as my highest self.  And to support as many women as possible to do the same.  

So I’m back.  And I’m excited to engage with you again.  

I have a new round of my Happi Mom Squad starting in October.  

THIS is my deepest passion.  And what I’m here to do in this lifetime. The sisterhood that is formed in my Happi Mom Squad programs, the women who make me feel that I am not alone, that’s why I do what I do.  

I started Happi Mom Squad because I was sick.  

I was sick of worrying that I’m not doing enough or parenting my kids right.  
I was sick up fearing that I’m F’ing up my kids, or my marriage or myself. 
I was sick of drowning my frustrations in food, or drinks or gossip or reality TV.  (Or all 4..) 
I was sick of doubting myself.  
I was sick of feeling pulled in a million different directions.  
I was sick of not making ME a priority.  And focusing only on EVERYONE else in my life.  

If you’re sick and tired of settling for a life that doesn’t help you live your highest self.  Then please join me and the amazing group of women we have already joining this 8 week program.  

We start October 8th.  You can find all details here. http://hms2.myhappilife.com/fast-track

As an extra bonus, because sometimes we need a little extra push to get started up this mountain to happiness, the first 10 women who sign up will receive my $97 audio program called 4 Simple Steps To Manifest Anything.  So you can quickly manifest not only an easy trek up this beast of a mountain, but also a great relationship, your ideal health, a fulfilling career and whatever it is you TRULY desire.  (Yes that’s all totally possible) 

This life is so precious.  I’m ready to take it to a whole new level.  I hope you’ll join me.