How I Overcame “Bad Mom” Syndrome
steffani

How I Overcame “Bad Mom” Syndrome

This is a re-post from August 2015 but something we all need to hear often!

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I was recently reflecting on my happiness. I’m a happiness coach so this comes naturally to me. I realized that I was really happy in many areas of my life. I’m in great shape. I have a fulfilling career. Two happy healthy kids. The spouse of my dreams. A great social life. My husband and I were getting along great. So what was that lingering feeling that was giving me anxiety? Like I accidentally had a triple espresso. You know that heart flutter and unease that can come and go? Diving deeper I realized it was my parenting.

I have read every book out there on parenting. You name it….positive discipline, mindful parenting, simplicity parenting, whole-brain child. I read baby books, toddler books, sleep books, routine books, everything. But that lingering anxiety was still there. And I finally honed in on the fact that it was a deep fear creeping up. That fear? Bad Mom Syndrome. I think a lot of women have a deep fear of being a ‘bad mom’. Having kids who misbehave. Yelling at our kids. Feeding them sugar, wheat, non-organic food. Too much TV. Too much technology. Not enough road trips and bike rides.

Now that I was aware of my big fear it was time to address it. Where did it come from? And how was it affecting me? I realized I was letting it control my life. When my kids had a meltdown, yep, fear manifest. They’re melting down because I don’t know what I’m doing. They misbehave, un-huh, there you go, I’m a bad mom. They don’t listen, yep, these books don’t’ work, I’m clueless, I need help. They’re out of control, they don’t eat, fear manifest.

Awareness is the Key

Luckily, awareness is the key. When I became aware of this deep fear, this limiting belief that was running my life, now I can do something about it. Step one, look at my reactions to my kids’ perceived behavior. Was I reacting from my higher self? Or from my bad mom fear? Hmmmm. Let’s see, I’m yelling at them and grabbing them by the arm like a lunatic. Yep, bad mom fear. Next, how can I change it? For me, that came down one big shift.

Radical acceptance.

How can I radically accept my parenting?

I looked deeply at my strengths and highlighted those. And looked at my weaknesses. And stopped trying to change those. I might not be an all organic, whole food, sugar-free Mom and I’m okay with that. I might give my kids an iPad in the car or to running errands and I’m ok with that too. The stress comes from feeling bad about it. Wanting it to be different. Next…

How can I radically accept my kids?

In all their perfect imperfections. Can I accept them as the perfect messy 3-year-old and the bold fearless 6-year old that they are? Is it ok if they don’t take a bath every night? Yes. Why did I ever think differently? Maybe the 52 parenting books I read actually took away my ability to listen to my guidance and make my own decisions.

The most empowering decision I ever made in my parenting was to stop seeking advice. And start trusting my own instincts. Focus on my strengths, on what I’m good at, on what I can do. And really accept those areas that I need some work. So what If I don’t take both of my kids swimming when I’m alone. I’ll get over it. And the more I accept who they are like the perfection in every sunset. The better we all experience life. Syndrome cured.

Here’s how you overcome Bad Mom Syndrome.

Step 1. Awareness

Awareness is the key. When I became aware of this deep fear, this limiting belief that was running my life, now I can do something about it. I was aware of my reactions to my kids’ perceived behavior. Was I reacting from my higher self? Or from my bad mom fear? Hmmmm. Let’s see, I’m yelling at them and grabbing them by the arm like a lunatic. Yep, bad mom fear. Yikes. How can I change that?

Step 2. Radical acceptance

How can I radically accept my parenting?

I looked deeply at my strengths and highlighted those. And looked at my weaknesses. And stopped trying to change those. I might not be an all organic, whole food, sugar-free Mom and I’m okay with that. I might give my kids an iPad in the car or to running errands and I’m ok with that too. The stress comes from feeling bad about it. Wanting it to be different. Next…

How can I radically accept my kids?

In all their perfect imperfections. Can I accept them as the perfect messy 3-year-old and the bold fearless 6-year old that they are? Is it ok if they don’t take a bath every night? Yes. Why did I ever think differently? Maybe the 52 parenting books I read actually took away my ability to listen to my guidance and make my own decisions.

Step 3. Trust YOU

The most empowering decision I ever made in my parenting was to stop seeking advice. And start trusting my own instincts. Focus on my strengths, on what I’m good at, on what I can do. And really accept those areas that I need some work. So what If I don’t take both of my kids swimming when I’m alone. I’ll get over it. And the more I really accept who my kids are like I do the perfection in every sunset, the better we all experience life.

Syndrome cured.

Join me in the Badass Mom Society for Mom support.

 

Confessions From a Mom of a Strong Willed Child
steffani

Confessions From a Mom of a Strong Willed Child

I originally posted this in November 2015. From the comments I read on Facebook from other Mom’s of strong-willed children, I thought it was important to repost now.

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I yell at my kids.

I’ve grabbed my son, Jack, by the arm and literally dragged him to his room. I have slapped his hand, spanked his butt, and told him I’m moving to California and never coming back.

None of this I’m proud of. It actually haunts me at night. How I, a very peaceful, loving, happy and positive person most of the time, could do this to a child is beyond me. He’s only 6, and this has been going on since he was born. If I saw someone treating their kid this way I would be disgusted. Not only would I judge them harshly, but I would consider calling the police.

I see it a lot, though. And all too often is nothing physical — it’s just verbal abuse. Literally, abuse. Recently I looked at a Mom who was berating her son at a hockey game about the usual morning issues, “You had your socks when we left the house. It’s not my job to keep track of your stuff,” she yelled while dragging him by the arm across the locker room. They were obviously late for the game. She slammed him down on the bench and started unpacking his hockey bag by dumping the contents all over the floor. I saw the look in this 9-year-old’s eyes — he was defeated. He looked like a 9-year-old version of my son, almost exactly. I wanted to walk over to her and whisper, “There’s a better way. Don’t do this.” Instead, I looked inside and turned those words back on myself. How can I find a better way when in that moment?

Do You Have a Strong-willed Child Too?

If you have a “strong-willed” child at home, which basically describes every kid between the age of 18 months to 8 years old, then you know you’ve been there. it’s not EVERY kid that age, but most of them. You know if you have a strong-willed child, and you’ve probably known since the day they were born. A strong-willed child can push buttons you never thought you had. They’re the toddlers that run away from you at the park with no fear at all. They’re the kids that drop their pants at a playdate just for laughs. Who uses every bad word he knows to get attention from his friends. Who crosses a line if you say don’t cross it.

Right? Do you know what I mean?

My son has a filter up to the words. “Don’t” and “No.” When you say them, he MUST do it. That’s how he’s wired. And I’m sure I was the same way. Now don’t get me wrong, I love my son so hard it hurts. Sometimes I literally want to eat him for breakfast. I can’t get enough of his cheeks and his soft skin and his cute haircut. It’s beyond words. I’m sure you know. And sometimes when I’m putting him to bed at the end of a long day, his strong will is almost blinding me. I want to jump out of the window. I have said more then once, “If you don’t lay down and get to sleep I’m going to jump out of this fucking window.” Yes, I swore at a 2-year-old!

So, when I saw that Mom, spent and furious, treating her kid like a common criminal, I looked within and I asked myself how can I be the best Mom possible to my strong-willed child?

And here’s what I came up with… Here’s my REAL confession…

I am not a perfect Mom.

Sometimes I don’t even feel like a good Mom, but I do think my son is perfect. Sometimes he misbehaves, but he’s still perfect. He often doesn’t listen, but he’s still perfect. He challenges any and all authority, but he’s perfect. If there’s a rule, he will break it, but that’s perfect. I’m done trying to make my son someone he’s not. I’m sick of feeling like a bad parent every time his behavior is outside of the norm or makes people uncomfortable. A strong-willed child has an enormous personality. That’s a lot to fit in a tiny body. They’re trying to figure this life thing out, right along beside us. Some teachers get it. Most don’t. They’re intimidated by their strength. Camp counselors either love them or hate them. And that’s ok.

The most important thing is that I love him. That I GET him, and that I accept him for the strong-willed kid that he is. What I know for sure is that he’ll grow up to do amazing things. Kids with personalities the size of Texas don’t just idle through life unnoticed. They make waves and those waves create a ripple. Last week, he insisted on carrying his teacher’s chair for her. My heart melted. And he asked a kid over for a playdate because he thought he could use a friend. That’s my boy. Now if only I can remember that when I’m trying to get him to go to bed. I’m working on it. Until then I’ll remind myself that strong-willed children come from strong-willed parents, who were typically strong-willed children too. I feel they need a LOT of compassion and maybe more breathing room than other kids. Lots of responsibility and tons of love. I’m gonna stop apologizing so much and stop walking on eggshells. I’m gonna be confident and supportive of my son and who he is, in all his perfection.

If you have a strong-willed kid at home, join me. What can you do to accept your child and encourage their uniqueness all while loving yourself, too?

Join me on the Badass Mom Society Facebook Group for support from other Moms just like you!

 

5 Things Every Marriage Needs To THRIVE
steffani

5 Things Every Marriage Needs To THRIVE

We’re exploring our love relationships in our Next Level Life Mastermind this week. We all have room for improvement. I penned this post in 2015 and find that it’s truer than ever…

I’m a happiness coach. Most of my clients are women who are struggling in their relationships. They’re unhappy, and for the most part, they blame their husbands. “He doesn’t listen to me.” “He’s self-centered.” “He has a temper.” “We don’t get along.” “He doesn’t appreciate all I do.”

8 out of 10 women I coach would describe their husbands that way or similar. As I see it, it’s our job to safeguard our own happiness. Who someone else is and even what they do to you, or how they treat you, has no effect on your happiness unless you let it.

Women CAN control their realities.

We CAN shift our thoughts.

We CAN create more inner peace and more daily happiness.

So how can we do this while in a partnership?

In my coaching and in my own relationship, I’ve found there are 5 Things Every Marriage Needs to Thrive. Everyone deserves an extraordinary relationship.  In fact, I think it’s the #1 thing that contributes to a healthy and very HAPPY life. When our relationship is thriving so are our kids. We’re better parents.  When our relationship is thriving, we think more clearly, we are better employees or entrepreneurs. When our relationship is thriving, we create from a more powerful space and we can achieve more than we ever dreamed possible.

Here are the 5 things I’ve found every marriage needs to thrive:

1. Respect.

Every marriage needs respect. Men need to feel respected. When a man feels respected he’s happier and more fulfilled. When he’s happier and more fulfilled he will cherish his wife. Simple as that. If you want to be cherished respect your man. Ask him how you can treat him with more respect. I’m SURE he’ll answer you.

2. Time together.

No matter how busy your schedule, every marriage needs quality time. It’s not always easy, but it’s always necessary. Sometimes it feels like a chore. And that’s okay. That scheduled one on one time will always lead to a deeper connection, things come up that you’ve been meaning to talk about, you get updates on each other’s lives. You might even share a laugh. These things don’t happen over text or across town. Spend time together.

3. Shared interests.

Outside of the kids and your home, every marriage needs some shared interests. Can you work out together? Cook together? Take walks? Play golf? Watch a TV series, that you both enjoy? You might have very little in common. But I’m sure you can still come up with some common interests. Shared interests = more connection. Keep it up.

4. Sex!

Need I say more? We’re human beings. And men particularly need to have sex. Can you imagine how emasculating it must feel to get rejected by your wife? Many of my clients are withholding sex from their husbands for one or more reasons, usually revolving around not feeling loved or cherished. How can a man love or cherish someone who’s emasculating them and doesn’t respect one of their basic needs? Sex is another deep connector. When you take time every week for a sexy at home “date night”, you’ll both be kinder, softer, sweeter to each other. It’s always worth it and can be a lot of fun. When you get out of your own head and let go of your resentments you might actually look forward to having sex with your husband. Which brings me to #5.

5. Forgiveness.

Every marriage needs forgiveness. Resentment, upset, frustration can’t exist in the same space as forgiveness. Forgiveness is the expressway to freedom. If you can find it in your heart to forgive your husband for all his shortcomings, you take a big leap towards more inner peace and more daily happiness. When we forgive we find love and gratitude for our partner and in that space, a marriage can thrive.

What can you do to invest in your relationship?  How can you take responsibility for your own happiness and create more fun and connection with your partner?  Head over to my Facebook page and tell me what you can commit to.  Let’s all move our relationships forward in a powerful way this year.