I’m ashamed to tell you…

I never wanted to have kids.

I was 38 when I had Jack. And 40 when I had Zoe.

I was afraid I would be a bad mom.

I was afraid I’d yell at them… and I do.

I was afraid I wouldn’t know how to raise them….and I don’t.

I was afraid it would all be too much for me to handle…. and it is.

What I didn’t know was how much I needed kids.

I didn’t know that they chose me. That they were on their way. That I needed them for the progression of my soul. I needed them to show me my weaknesses. And create more strength than I ever thought possible.

I needed them to trigger me, and push me past my limits and stretch me outside of my comfort zone. So that I could expand into the woman I now am. So that I could learn to deal with more hard things and teach others how to deal with more hard things. So that I would finally know what it’s like to love someone to the depths of your soul. So that I would find little things funny again. And jump and skip and play tag again.

I needed them to push my relationship too. So that we would learn how to love each other differently. And how to be together through IT ALL. And I mean IT ALL. Tireless nights with a colicky baby, pneumonia, night terrors, constipation, umbilical hernias and then, bad teachers, bad decisions, broken hearts, more constipation, and homework.

Its only been 9 years and we’ve experienced so much together. These 9 years have felt longer than most. The days can feel so long. Longer than the days I was volunteering in a 3rd world country.

But I’m realizing now that I needed this. All of this. The yelling, the crying, the fights, the homework battles, the tears, the sorrow, the swear words. AND the joy, the laughter, the playing, the sweetness, the kisses the fun.

It all enhances my life more than I ever imagined possible.

And I wouldn’t change a thing.